Sarah stared at her phone screen, calculating. Height: 5’8″. Career: marketing manager. Instagram followers: 2,400. She mentally assigned herself a dating score of seven out of ten, maybe eight on a good day. Across the coffee shop, her friend Emma was doing the same math with a guy’s profile. “He’s cute, but look at his job title. That’s definitely going to hurt his market value.”
This wasn’t unusual anymore. Somewhere along the way, dating had become a spreadsheet exercise. People talk about “leagues,” “sexual marketplace value,” and “dating economics” like they’re discussing stock portfolios instead of human connection.
But Dr. James Mitchell, a psychology professor at Northwestern University, thinks we’ve got it all wrong. After years of watching students reduce romance to algorithms and rankings, he’s pushing back against the idea that love works like commerce. His message is simple but revolutionary: dating isn’t a marketplace, and treating it like one might be destroying our ability to form real connections.
How We Started Trading Hearts Like Commodities
The dating marketplace concept didn’t appear overnight. It grew from dating apps that literally ask you to swipe through people like products, pickup artist communities that treat attraction like a game with rules, and social media that reduces humans to highlight reels.
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“Students come to my office and tell me they’re not ‘competitive’ in the dating market,” Dr. Mitchell explains. “They’ve internalized this idea that love is about being the best product on the shelf.”
The language is everywhere once you notice it. People talk about “high-value” partners, “dating down” or “dating up,” and optimizing their “relationship portfolio.” Dating coaches promise to help you “increase your market value” through gym memberships and career changes.
This marketplace thinking feels logical because it offers clear explanations for complex emotions. Got rejected? Your market value wasn’t high enough. Can’t find anyone? Supply and demand are off. It’s almost comforting to believe there’s a simple economic reason why love feels so hard.
What the Research Actually Shows About Human Connection
Dr. Mitchell’s research reveals how different real attraction is from marketplace logic. In a study of 200 couples, he found that successful long-term relationships rarely followed conventional “market rules.”
Here’s what actually predicts relationship success versus marketplace thinking:
| Marketplace Prediction | Actual Research Findings |
|---|---|
| Similar “market value” partners stay together | Emotional compatibility matters most |
| Higher status equals better relationships | Mutual respect predicts satisfaction |
| Physical attractiveness determines choice | Attraction grows through shared experiences |
| Competition creates better outcomes | Vulnerability builds deeper connections |
“The marketplace model assumes people are static products with fixed values,” Dr. Mitchell notes. “But humans are dynamic. We grow, change, and create chemistry through interaction.”
Real relationship formation involves factors that don’t fit market logic:
- Timing and life circumstances
- Shared values and worldviews
- Emotional availability and readiness
- Communication styles and conflict resolution
- Physical and intellectual chemistry that develops over time
- Life goals and future compatibility
“I’ve seen conventionally attractive, successful people struggle with relationships while others who don’t fit traditional ‘high value’ categories find deep, lasting love,” Dr. Mitchell observes. “Markets are predictable. Human hearts aren’t.”
The Hidden Costs of Marketplace Thinking
When you view dating as a market, you stop seeing potential partners as complete human beings. Instead, they become collections of assets and liabilities to evaluate.
Dr. Mitchell has identified several psychological consequences of marketplace dating:
Constant Self-Optimization: People exhaust themselves trying to “increase their value” instead of developing authentic self-awareness. They hit the gym not for health but for “market competitiveness.”
Transactional Relationships: Everything becomes a trade. “I brought flowers, so she should sleep with me.” “He pays for dinner, so I owe him something.” Genuine generosity disappears.
Fear of Vulnerability: Markets reward hiding weaknesses and overselling strengths. But relationships require honesty about flaws, fears, and insecurities.
“One student told me she spent two years perfecting her ‘dating resume’ but couldn’t figure out why her relationships felt empty,” Dr. Mitchell recalls. “She’d forgotten how to just be herself with someone.”
What Actually Works in Modern Dating
Dr. Mitchell doesn’t just critique the marketplace model—he offers alternatives based on psychological research about human bonding.
Instead of market optimization, he suggests “authentic connection practices.” This means showing up as your real self, including imperfections. It means asking genuine questions about someone’s inner world rather than evaluating their external credentials.
“The couples in my research who report the highest satisfaction aren’t the ones who ‘matched’ on paper,” he explains. “They’re the ones who felt safe being vulnerable with each other early on.”
This approach requires different skills than marketplace dating:
- Emotional intelligence over strategic thinking
- Curiosity about others rather than self-promotion
- Patience with slow-developing connections
- Comfort with uncertainty and risk
- Focus on how someone makes you feel rather than their stats
Dr. Mitchell challenges his students to try “anti-market” dating exercises. Go on dates where you explicitly don’t try to impress. Ask questions that reveal character rather than achievements. Notice your own feelings instead of calculating compatibility scores.
Why This Matters Beyond Romance
The implications stretch far beyond dating apps and first dates. When we view human connections through market logic, we’re training ourselves to see all relationships as transactions.
Dr. Mitchell points to research showing that people who think in marketplace terms about dating also struggle with friendships, family relationships, and workplace connections. “Once you start pricing human value, it becomes a habit,” he warns.
Young people especially are absorbing these messages during crucial developmental years. They’re learning to commodify themselves and others before they’ve even figured out who they are.
“I see students who can optimize a dating profile but can’t have a vulnerable conversation,” Dr. Mitchell observes. “They’ve learned the game but missed the point.”
The professor’s challenge isn’t just academic—it’s deeply personal. In a world that increasingly reduces human experience to metrics and algorithms, choosing to see dating as something more complex and beautiful becomes an act of resistance.
Maybe the real revolution isn’t finding better ways to compete in the dating marketplace. Maybe it’s remembering that love was never supposed to be a competition at all.
FAQs
What’s wrong with wanting to improve yourself for dating?
Self-improvement is healthy, but marketplace thinking focuses on external changes to attract others rather than internal growth for your own wellbeing.
Don’t dating apps naturally create a marketplace dynamic?
Dating apps use marketplace-style interfaces, but you can still approach the people you meet with curiosity and authenticity rather than transactional thinking.
How do I know if I’m thinking about dating in marketplace terms?
Notice if you rank people numerically, calculate “leagues,” or feel like you need to “earn” someone’s interest through achievements rather than connection.
What should I focus on instead of market value?
Focus on emotional compatibility, shared values, how someone treats others, and whether you feel comfortable being yourself around them.
Is it naive to ignore practical factors like career and lifestyle compatibility?
Practical compatibility matters, but it’s different from viewing someone as a collection of assets. Consider how factors affect your actual life together, not their abstract “value.”
How can I break out of marketplace thinking patterns?
Practice seeing people as complex individuals with inner worlds rather than profiles to evaluate. Focus on your own feelings and experiences rather than strategic calculations.
