Sarah remembers the exact moment she realized something was wrong. Her 16-year-old daughter Emma was sitting at the kitchen table, earbuds in, deliberately avoiding eye contact. When Sarah asked about her day, Emma’s response was flat: “Fine, Mom. Just… fine.”
It wasn’t anger in Emma’s voice. It was something worse — indifference. The kind that makes your stomach drop because you realize your child has stopped trying to connect with you entirely.
Sarah found herself wondering: “How did we get here? When did my own daughter start treating me like a stranger she tolerates rather than respects?”
The Uncomfortable Truth About Earning Your Children’s Respect
Here’s what psychologists know that many parents refuse to accept: children don’t automatically respect their parents just because they’re adults. Respect is earned through years of consistent behavior, and it can be lost just as easily through selfish parenting habits we often don’t even recognize.
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“Parents think respect comes from authority, but it actually comes from modeling the behavior you want to see,” explains Dr. Lisa Chen, a family therapist with 15 years of experience. “Children are incredibly perceptive. They notice when our actions don’t match our words.”
The harsh reality is that kids start forming opinions about us from an early age. By the time they’re teenagers, they’ve already decided whether we’re trustworthy, consistent, and worthy of their respect. Those decisions follow them into adulthood.
Eight Selfish Parenting Habits That Destroy Long-Term Respect
Research shows that certain parenting behaviors consistently damage the parent-child relationship over time. These habits might feel natural or even justified in the moment, but they create lasting resentment and distance.
| Habit | What It Looks Like | Long-Term Impact |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional Dumping | Sharing adult problems with children | Children feel responsible for parent’s emotions |
| Inconsistent Rules | Different standards depending on mood | Confusion and loss of trust in parent’s judgment |
| Public Criticism | Embarrassing children in front of others | Damaged self-esteem and resentment |
| Refusing to Apologize | Never admitting mistakes | Children learn parents aren’t accountable |
Using Children as Emotional Support: This happens when parents treat their kids like therapists, sharing marital problems, financial stress, or work complaints. Children aren’t equipped to handle adult emotions and end up feeling responsible for problems they can’t fix.
Making Everything About You: Some parents redirect every conversation back to their own experiences or feelings. When a child shares excitement about a school achievement, these parents respond with stories about their own childhood success instead of celebrating their child’s moment.
Breaking Promises Regularly: Whether it’s missing a school play because something “more important” came up or promising a special outing that never happens, broken promises teach children that their feelings don’t matter.
“I see adults in therapy all the time who struggle to trust others because their parents consistently broke small promises,” notes Dr. Michael Rodriguez, a clinical psychologist. “It seems minor, but it shapes how they view relationships for life.”
- Criticizing children in front of friends or family members
- Refusing to admit when you’re wrong or apologize
- Having different rules for different moods
- Dismissing their feelings as “dramatic” or “silly”
- Competing with them instead of supporting them
How These Habits Shape Adult Relationships
The consequences of these selfish parenting habits don’t magically disappear when children turn 18. They carry forward into adult relationships in predictable ways.
Adult children of emotionally inconsistent parents often struggle with boundaries. They either become people-pleasers who sacrifice their own needs, or they build walls so high that genuine intimacy becomes impossible.
Consider Maria, now 32, whose mother regularly shared details about her marriage problems when Maria was growing up. “I spent my childhood trying to fix my mom’s mood,” Maria explains. “Now I can barely have a phone conversation with her without feeling drained. I love her, but I keep our visits short because I know she’ll start unloading her problems on me.”
Children who grew up walking on eggshells around unpredictable parents often become adults who struggle to trust others. They’ve learned that people who claim to love you can still hurt you without warning, so they approach relationships with constant vigilance.
“The saddest part is watching parents wonder why their adult children don’t call or visit more often,” observes Dr. Jennifer Walsh, a family counselor. “They genuinely don’t understand that their children are protecting themselves from patterns that started decades earlier.”
Some adult children maintain surface-level relationships with parents who displayed these habits. They show up for holidays, make polite conversation, but never share anything deeply personal. The relationship exists, but genuine intimacy and respect are missing.
Others choose limited contact or estrangement entirely. While this seems extreme to outside observers, these adults are often making healthy choices to protect their mental health and break generational cycles.
Building Respect Through Consistent, Selfless Actions
The good news is that it’s never too late to change these patterns, though it requires genuine commitment and self-awareness. Children and adult children are often willing to rebuild relationships when they see authentic change.
Start by taking responsibility for past behavior without making excuses. A simple “I realize I made mistakes, and I’m sorry” carries more weight than lengthy explanations about stress or circumstances.
Practice emotional regulation around your children. Find adult friends, therapists, or family members to process your struggles with instead of burdening your kids. Your children need you to be the stable adult, not another person they have to manage.
Keep promises, even small ones. If you say you’ll pick them up at 3 PM, be there at 3 PM. If you promise to attend their game, show up. Reliability builds trust, and trust forms the foundation of respect.
“Parents who earn lasting respect from their children are the ones who consistently put their children’s emotional needs first,” explains Dr. Chen. “It doesn’t mean being permissive or giving in to every demand. It means being emotionally mature and stable.”
FAQs
Is it too late to change if my children are already adults?
It’s never too late, though rebuilding takes time and consistency. Adult children can forgive and rebuild relationships when they see genuine change.
How do I know if I’m emotionally dumping on my children?
Ask yourself: Am I sharing information that makes them worry about things they can’t control? If yes, find an adult to talk to instead.
What if I was raised this way and don’t know how to change?
Consider therapy or parenting classes. Breaking generational patterns is difficult but absolutely possible with the right support.
Should I apologize to my children for past mistakes?
Yes, sincere apologies without excuses can be healing. Focus on acknowledging the impact rather than explaining your reasons.
How long does it take to rebuild trust with children?
It varies, but expect months or years of consistent new behavior before trust is fully restored. The longer the harmful patterns existed, the more time healing takes.
Can these changes improve my relationship with adult children who barely speak to me?
Potentially, yes. Many adult children are willing to give relationships another chance when they see authentic, sustained change in their parents’ behavior.
